Hey Markus, that's a very interesting, and for me, timely post! I've been thinking a lot recently about how people communicate. In most of my meetings at work, communication is "high quality"; very efficient, to the point. People speak only when they have thoughtfully processed their ideas. They don't corrupt meetings with word salad or half-baked nonsense. I think I err on the side of speaking too much, but I believe I'm getting better at not speaking and better at listening.
I've also noticed that some of my acquaintances, in social settings, talk at each other, rather than with each other. They love the sound of their own voices, can't wait to get their ideas out, and ignore what others are saying. I fall into this trap myself sometimes. Part of it is that I'm afraid that I'll forget what I wanted to say, so I say it as quickly as I can. Then, when it comes out, it sometimes doesn't sound as great as I originally thought.
I think there is a very important notion of just being together with family and friends, with the emphasis on being, which is more than just talking. I'm trying to cultivate this concept with my children. When Alexander and Lea are at my place, we start the day with "first breakfast" (oatmeal or cereal, hot chocolate, coffee), and keep it low key, with jazz or spa music playing in the background. I I try to set a tone where we can relax, look out the window at my beautiful view, and calmly discuss things, like plans for the day.
This doesn't always work. Alexander, in particular, seems to always be restless. He eats very quickly, and finds it unbearable to just "be". As soon as he is finished eating, he wants to be excused, and wants to go back to his video games, or if I forbid this, to reading a book on his own. Lea is a lot better in this regard.
I'm concerned that Alexander has become addicted to digital distractions, even though we try to limit his "screen time". He plays very mindless roblox games. Sometimes, I feel like it is more than a distraction for him. Sometimes, I get the impression that it's a crutch or bubble that shields him from the horrors of real life. It's like a drug that he needs to control his anxiety and boredom. I understand this because I read emails and news, or watch YouTube videos, sometimes to calm my nerves.
Digital distractions are a problem in our society, and for me specifically. I'm trying to get this under control. Recently, I've noticed that when I'm in an Uber, I often take out my phone and read news to distract myself. I'm oblivious to all the things I could be seeing out in the real world. I'm starting to put the phone away, and look out the window instead.
A professor I know at MIT has made it a policy to only check his email once a day, just to help himself get some control over the distractions. I'm starting to adopt this policy, though things like Slack and texts are even more distracting than emails.
I've known for some time that I need blocks of 2 or 3 hours of uninterrupted deep thinking to make real progress at work, on difficult projects. This is difficult at times, because I'm a manager, and many of my days are filled with meetings. But, I'm getting better at not going to so many meetings, and carving out the 3 hours of deep thinking time that I need. As a side benefit, I've found that reading and understanding technical articles, equations, and doing programming gives me a sense of peace, whereas all the meetings often leave me stressed out. My technical work is a form of meditation for me. It has the side benefit that I get paid for it, and that there is a concrete output that (hopefully) does something useful.
It's very interesting that all these religions value silence for making good decisions. For me, besides the spiritual aspect, this is a very practical, effective, common sense way to discipline the mind, and silence the cacophony of inner voices that arise from too much multi-tasking with too many electronic devices. It's really about improving "executive function", and being effective (at work, in personal life, etc.). Ultimately, for me, it's really about sanity and survival. The alternative of addiction to, and submission to, an endless stream of social media stimulus is a kind of slavery.
It's also interesting how the concept of silence here is related to key Stoic ideas, like disciplining the mind. Marcus Aurelius, and other Stoics, are known for their morning routines, which emphasized getting the mind off to a good start to the day.
I'm getting better, but I feel like I still succumb to the chaos sometimes. About once a week or so, I am overwhelmed by a vague feeling of "unsettledness", where I have difficulty sleeping, and even difficulty thinking in a coherent sequence. Sometimes, I worry that this may be a sign of growing dementia, or some other mental illness. We'll see.
I've also often think about "You'll lose it if you talk about it". I often have interesting ideas for work, usually in the morning when I'm in the shower. Of necessity, such ideas have to be recorded before they are forgotten. However, I've found that the act of trying to write the idea down results in some loss in translation. It's hard to instantly convert an exciting idea into the diagrams, equations, and words, that would be necessary to do it justice. Also, there are vague emotions, feelings, and connections that exist during "ideation" that are sometimes lost in the process of recording.
It's so good to hear about the morning atmosphere you experience with the kids. You've clearly been intentional in cultivating this and carving out time and space for these precious opportunities to be together. It sounds like your appreciation of being together is not so different from the quality of the silent gatherings the Salish woman described.
I'm also very glad to hear that your work is so compelling and absorbing for you. I think people have different inclinations and strategies that facilitate this kind of contemplative experience. Mine are explicitly oriented toward cultivating and deepening this experience, within a context of a metaphysical tradition that is focused on human thriving in its various forms. I do believe that you could also benefit from a manageable dose of this kind of practice in order to better deal with some of the adverse emotions you've been struggling with.
From your description of how people a your workplace think carefully before they speak, it sounds like you are in a very good work environment. I would imagine this creates a culture in which people inspire one another to communicate this way.
Your description of people you know who talk past one another is something many of us can relate to. It reminds me of the idea that one of the great gifts we can share with one another is our attention, the presence to listen well to one another. This also has to be cultivated and intentional. It's common for people to be so focused on their own experience that they can barely hear other's speaking. It takes some awareness and effort to counteract this tendency.
The thoughts and concerns you have share about Alexander ring alarmingly true. I have been aware that he is unable to settle down and enjoy many things, and of an incessant need for the kind of digital stimulation that can quickly become harmful and addictive. I would definitely continue to limit his screen time and also continue to try to channel his energy into engaging and soothing pastimes. I know this is a generic suggestion and it is much easier said than done. I share your concerns regarding Alexander. Let's talk about this when you're here. I think some intervention should be done sooner rather than later. Life will only become more stressful and complicated for him as he gets older and escaping into mindless video games is a tragic waste of time. Perhaps as part of your morning routines the three of you could do a five minute guided meditation together. There is freely available App called 'Plum Village', (Thich Nhat Hanh's monastery and tradition) that offers many soothing and inviting meditations that the children (and you) might enjoy. There are also many valuable resources in the app that might be engaging for you as a group. Perhaps you could use it to develop an enjoyable weekly lesson or session that you share with Leah and Alexander. I would try the five minute meditation with them and make it compulsory for Alexander. He can find a way to sit still for that long, think of it as medicine.
I generally approach digital media purposefully (although I occasionally go down rabbit holes too) and have found a treasury of valuable information this way. My digital diets consists of talks by various scientists, political thinkers and dharma talks. I try to gather resources related to interests and matters I have come to identify as personally important. I am aware of the addictive tendencies around email and news and have to keep an eye on that as well.
Regarding the epiphanies and creative ideas, I do think it is important to record them so you can retrieve them and flesh them out later. As I've shared with you, I've found speaking them into a text message is a great way to preserve them. Then you can copy and paste them later when you have time.
Thanks, Markus. I resonate with your words. Two things come to mind: One, a quote from Earnest Hemingway: "You'll lose it if you talk about it." And two, a book I've just begun to read: "Louder Than Words--The new science of how the mind makes meaning" --by Benjamin K. Bergen
Hey Markus, that's a very interesting, and for me, timely post! I've been thinking a lot recently about how people communicate. In most of my meetings at work, communication is "high quality"; very efficient, to the point. People speak only when they have thoughtfully processed their ideas. They don't corrupt meetings with word salad or half-baked nonsense. I think I err on the side of speaking too much, but I believe I'm getting better at not speaking and better at listening.
I've also noticed that some of my acquaintances, in social settings, talk at each other, rather than with each other. They love the sound of their own voices, can't wait to get their ideas out, and ignore what others are saying. I fall into this trap myself sometimes. Part of it is that I'm afraid that I'll forget what I wanted to say, so I say it as quickly as I can. Then, when it comes out, it sometimes doesn't sound as great as I originally thought.
I think there is a very important notion of just being together with family and friends, with the emphasis on being, which is more than just talking. I'm trying to cultivate this concept with my children. When Alexander and Lea are at my place, we start the day with "first breakfast" (oatmeal or cereal, hot chocolate, coffee), and keep it low key, with jazz or spa music playing in the background. I I try to set a tone where we can relax, look out the window at my beautiful view, and calmly discuss things, like plans for the day.
This doesn't always work. Alexander, in particular, seems to always be restless. He eats very quickly, and finds it unbearable to just "be". As soon as he is finished eating, he wants to be excused, and wants to go back to his video games, or if I forbid this, to reading a book on his own. Lea is a lot better in this regard.
I'm concerned that Alexander has become addicted to digital distractions, even though we try to limit his "screen time". He plays very mindless roblox games. Sometimes, I feel like it is more than a distraction for him. Sometimes, I get the impression that it's a crutch or bubble that shields him from the horrors of real life. It's like a drug that he needs to control his anxiety and boredom. I understand this because I read emails and news, or watch YouTube videos, sometimes to calm my nerves.
Digital distractions are a problem in our society, and for me specifically. I'm trying to get this under control. Recently, I've noticed that when I'm in an Uber, I often take out my phone and read news to distract myself. I'm oblivious to all the things I could be seeing out in the real world. I'm starting to put the phone away, and look out the window instead.
A professor I know at MIT has made it a policy to only check his email once a day, just to help himself get some control over the distractions. I'm starting to adopt this policy, though things like Slack and texts are even more distracting than emails.
I've known for some time that I need blocks of 2 or 3 hours of uninterrupted deep thinking to make real progress at work, on difficult projects. This is difficult at times, because I'm a manager, and many of my days are filled with meetings. But, I'm getting better at not going to so many meetings, and carving out the 3 hours of deep thinking time that I need. As a side benefit, I've found that reading and understanding technical articles, equations, and doing programming gives me a sense of peace, whereas all the meetings often leave me stressed out. My technical work is a form of meditation for me. It has the side benefit that I get paid for it, and that there is a concrete output that (hopefully) does something useful.
It's very interesting that all these religions value silence for making good decisions. For me, besides the spiritual aspect, this is a very practical, effective, common sense way to discipline the mind, and silence the cacophony of inner voices that arise from too much multi-tasking with too many electronic devices. It's really about improving "executive function", and being effective (at work, in personal life, etc.). Ultimately, for me, it's really about sanity and survival. The alternative of addiction to, and submission to, an endless stream of social media stimulus is a kind of slavery.
It's also interesting how the concept of silence here is related to key Stoic ideas, like disciplining the mind. Marcus Aurelius, and other Stoics, are known for their morning routines, which emphasized getting the mind off to a good start to the day.
I'm getting better, but I feel like I still succumb to the chaos sometimes. About once a week or so, I am overwhelmed by a vague feeling of "unsettledness", where I have difficulty sleeping, and even difficulty thinking in a coherent sequence. Sometimes, I worry that this may be a sign of growing dementia, or some other mental illness. We'll see.
I've also often think about "You'll lose it if you talk about it". I often have interesting ideas for work, usually in the morning when I'm in the shower. Of necessity, such ideas have to be recorded before they are forgotten. However, I've found that the act of trying to write the idea down results in some loss in translation. It's hard to instantly convert an exciting idea into the diagrams, equations, and words, that would be necessary to do it justice. Also, there are vague emotions, feelings, and connections that exist during "ideation" that are sometimes lost in the process of recording.
Hi Andreas,
It's so good to hear about the morning atmosphere you experience with the kids. You've clearly been intentional in cultivating this and carving out time and space for these precious opportunities to be together. It sounds like your appreciation of being together is not so different from the quality of the silent gatherings the Salish woman described.
I'm also very glad to hear that your work is so compelling and absorbing for you. I think people have different inclinations and strategies that facilitate this kind of contemplative experience. Mine are explicitly oriented toward cultivating and deepening this experience, within a context of a metaphysical tradition that is focused on human thriving in its various forms. I do believe that you could also benefit from a manageable dose of this kind of practice in order to better deal with some of the adverse emotions you've been struggling with.
From your description of how people a your workplace think carefully before they speak, it sounds like you are in a very good work environment. I would imagine this creates a culture in which people inspire one another to communicate this way.
Your description of people you know who talk past one another is something many of us can relate to. It reminds me of the idea that one of the great gifts we can share with one another is our attention, the presence to listen well to one another. This also has to be cultivated and intentional. It's common for people to be so focused on their own experience that they can barely hear other's speaking. It takes some awareness and effort to counteract this tendency.
The thoughts and concerns you have share about Alexander ring alarmingly true. I have been aware that he is unable to settle down and enjoy many things, and of an incessant need for the kind of digital stimulation that can quickly become harmful and addictive. I would definitely continue to limit his screen time and also continue to try to channel his energy into engaging and soothing pastimes. I know this is a generic suggestion and it is much easier said than done. I share your concerns regarding Alexander. Let's talk about this when you're here. I think some intervention should be done sooner rather than later. Life will only become more stressful and complicated for him as he gets older and escaping into mindless video games is a tragic waste of time. Perhaps as part of your morning routines the three of you could do a five minute guided meditation together. There is freely available App called 'Plum Village', (Thich Nhat Hanh's monastery and tradition) that offers many soothing and inviting meditations that the children (and you) might enjoy. There are also many valuable resources in the app that might be engaging for you as a group. Perhaps you could use it to develop an enjoyable weekly lesson or session that you share with Leah and Alexander. I would try the five minute meditation with them and make it compulsory for Alexander. He can find a way to sit still for that long, think of it as medicine.
I generally approach digital media purposefully (although I occasionally go down rabbit holes too) and have found a treasury of valuable information this way. My digital diets consists of talks by various scientists, political thinkers and dharma talks. I try to gather resources related to interests and matters I have come to identify as personally important. I am aware of the addictive tendencies around email and news and have to keep an eye on that as well.
Regarding the epiphanies and creative ideas, I do think it is important to record them so you can retrieve them and flesh them out later. As I've shared with you, I've found speaking them into a text message is a great way to preserve them. Then you can copy and paste them later when you have time.
Thanks, Markus. I resonate with your words. Two things come to mind: One, a quote from Earnest Hemingway: "You'll lose it if you talk about it." And two, a book I've just begun to read: "Louder Than Words--The new science of how the mind makes meaning" --by Benjamin K. Bergen